My life has never been my own
I seek purpose and a mission
But from a place of
Self loathing
Instead of self love
Give me something hard to do
So I can prove I’m worthy
Or sadistically pay penance for my crimes

What does purpose
Rooted in love
Even look like?
What is inspiration and fire
Free of burdens and guilt
I don’t know

I thank God
For freeing me from earning salvation
But I have never freed myself
From earning self love
And the love of others

Good things are only real
If I earned them
All the others are not safe
Are not real
Are not trustworthy
And will not last



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