My heart

My heart

I have been the cruelest of companions
I have left you abandoned on frigid mountaintops
I have hidden you, isolated in the darkest caves
I’ve thrown you overboard into crashing waves
I’ve given you to devouring wolves
Over an over again I live this way as if trying to kill this connection between us
By shattering your resolve to go on

But always
Afterwards
I hold you weakly in my human hands
Bleeding, beating, breathing
My sleeves drenched in our tempestuous and raw and blatant emotions
We are dripping with this overwhelming sense of being and sharing

I cherish you
Without you I would not be
Every moment empty
Every relationship one sided and needy
You give and it teaches me how to give
You love and I learn to love
Your patience allows me to see and feel and give grace

I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry
I have the urge to promise you with all we are
That I would never hurt you again
But I am not so foolish
Even now my eyes wander and my body shudders to play with you fast and loose
My dear heart, the source of my lifeblood
My beating love
My throbbing light
I can’t bear the knowing that we will hurt again
But I can’t leave you
We can never separate
I would not live without your presence

I withdraw at the memory of encounters with dead hearts
What a life sucking soul draining shame
We cannot become this
All the pain and self abuse in the world we will endure
To maintain our ability to feel and empathize and give back

I can’t promise you a peaceful journey or an easy path
But I can promise you hope
I can recommit to us with my every breath

You are the divine in me
And as such I treat you the same
Pretending youre not real
Pretending I don’t want you
Pretending you don’t need me
Muting every inlet of truth
But the confirmation, or lack thereof, from these physical sensations
Is not the ultimate refutable proof
Just my poor excuse
I am to you like I am to God

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