#stayangry

I am a pretty chill person. For most of my life I have valued such philosophies as ‘turn the other cheek,’ ‘being angry is like taking poison and expecting the other person to get sick,’ ‘only hurt people hurt people,’ ‘you cant change others, you can only change yourself,’ ‘choose love.’…..You get the point.

Although that might sound strange coming from a veteran, its been five years since I’ve seen combat and I have a lot of great mentors that helped me refocus that energy. I pray, I meditate, I do yoga. I do all the things. All the lovey, positive, make the world a better place things. I have made a real effort through all the tragedy that life brings to constantly seek out grace, patience, forgiveness and understanding.

But today a friend of mine gave me a great peace of advice. Stay angry.

I have been in a really unhealthy place the last year and every approach I have tried has failed to get me out of it. I am at the end of my rope. I mean begging God to save me from myself almost every night. But this advice from my friend got me thinking.

Maybe every human emotion serves a purpose. Maybe we get angry for a reason. It might be unhealthy to live angry and carry that heat for a lifetime, but maybe there is a purpose to our anger. Maybe, if I can stay angry long enough, it will be a passion that serves as a catalyst for me to make the changes I need.

I am not hurting anymore. I’m not feeling sorry for myself. I am tired of trying to wrap my head around causation and why these things happen and why we hurt each other. Today, I am just angry.

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Private Sunrise

Early morning birds
Singing morning music
Different from the evening larks
We open our eyes in darkness
Fighting natures secrets
Maybe violating her rhythms
So we can witness
Her hidden treasures
Even the temperature drops to protect
Her from unwanted visitors
But my soul is hungry
For this intimacy
Shooting stars over morning fog
The private colors of hidden sunrises
The quiet listening trees
Measuring the heat of my breath
As I occupy this delicate space
Foreign, but not

 

 

November

Clouds filter sunrise colors into
Winter morning pastels
I crave the smell and crunch of snow
A symbol of the wonder and innocence
Of childhood

A Poet’s Heart

A Poet’s Heart
Isn’t big
Just open
So all the things come in
Sorting through them piece by piece
Just to live is the greatest thing
Anywhere, anytime, through anything
With all people
I know what I am
My wounds lead me to my greatest treasure

Justice

I don’t want to let go of my anger
Because I am right
But there is no justice
In making myself sick
No one else is changing because I am betrayed
My life is not improving
Because my anger is justified

Six Years

Six years
Where have you been
I traveled around the world again
I loved and lost
I thought I loved then learned
I’ve shrunken from life
And regrown new parts
I’m changing jobs soon
I’m about to have a daughter
As the years continue to pass
My heart is heavy comparing
Our growing stories
With yours that ended too soon
Dreaming of where you could be
But I take comfort in knowing
That although you are unmoving
The place I’ll always find you
Is right next to me

 

Sunshine

She is sunlight
Blooming in the dark corners
A hope
Born of fear and clinging
Two people afraid and foolish
Were given a chance to change
To own up
To seize the power and the purpose
Of selflessness
To cleanse in a shower of
Pure untainted love

Salvation

My life has never been my own
I seek purpose and a mission
But from a place of
Self loathing
Instead of self love
Give me something hard to do
So I can prove I’m worthy
Or sadistically pay penance for my crimes

What does purpose
Rooted in love
Even look like?
What is inspiration and fire
Free of burdens and guilt
I don’t know

I thank God
For freeing me from earning salvation
But I have never freed myself
From earning self love
And the love of others

Good things are only real
If I earned them
All the others are not safe
Are not real
Are not trustworthy
And will not last

 

Our one heart

I carry your heart with me
Wherever I go
Until the end of time
My skin will carry the imprint of you
I am forever changed
In body and heart and mind
Despite our aimless choices
Your DNA has been wed to mine
In tiny fingers and toes
And baby eyes that will always hold
A piece of light that is yours

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